My Heart Breaks.

MY HEART BREAKS….

My heartbreaks when I hear some upsetting questions and painful assumptions. Especially from the opposite sex.....

A good example is when a man tells you his wife stopped giving him attention when the babies started coming…

An excerpt from Gary Chapman’s ‘The Five Love Languages’ says:

 “In my first marriage, we had three or four good years before the baby came. After the baby was born, I felt like she gave her attention to the baby and I no longer mattered. It was as if her goal in life was to have a baby and after the baby, she no longer needed me”

Why on earth would a man ever think this?

Why would a man think he is in competition with his own child?

It is just a natural phenomenon for a mother to care and nurse her new born…in fact, even any of her offspring’s for all of eternity, perhaps if a man could conceive and carry a child for nine months they would understand;

 ‘A child whom you gave life to, is your responsibility for life’… It’s that simple.

It’s even worse when the woman is a working class and after 3months of familiarizing herself with this awesome phase of her life, she has to go through the stress of working and running home to care for her little joy, why on earth would she be eager to see the husband when there’s a child that needs his/her mother a second away. Its trouble enough to combine a thing that has breath and what brings funds together, no wonder a lot of dedicated mothers leave or take sabbaticals to care enough for their new borns… Big ups to lovely countries that extend maternity leaves to 6months and a year, just so to break this attention barrier.

I am not saying it’s not possible for the woman to give her husband attention, I am not even saying he has to be understanding, because he definitely needs to pass that stage for them to be married in the first place. I am saying it’s a team work to give and receive the attentions we seek from each other, who told you the woman also doesn’t need your attention or even wants to give you attention?

 I remember an aunt of mine, telling me she could count the number of times her husband held or carried their kids as new borns and even growing up. That’s just sad. He then expects her to care for the child, serve as his wife and take care of the house, asides her own personal care and health.

When you leave everything for her, please how do you expect her to have time for you?

Will she chop herself into two?

Yes I know some people manage to give both sides attention but trust me, it’s because of Teamwork and Understanding. It’s what is meant to be the solid grounds for a union in the first place.  

Marriages don’t need to break off because of child bearing, how do you even expect the kids to feel? Imagine telling your child:

“Well, we split after you were born, because your mum stopped giving me attention and the love just depleted and we had to go our own separate ways’ 

Love is meant to be shared, why on earth would she hoard yours or as some will say … ‘Give it all to the child’. The truth is, the love between the parents is supposed to be shared and poured on the new born in unison, the innocent child needs love and attention from both of you and not just the mother, even if by default she gives most of it, the man should back her up and also care for her in return, there’s no way she won’t return the love, care and attention he deserves… One way or another, the man will never feel left out of this strong bond called LOVE.

Let’s all learn our places and play our parts in love… It’s never one sided, its shown, shared and received. If you help her do some of the chores or baby chores, she will have time for you…. You only helped her save time to sleep in your arms or sleep off when you have the two of them in your arms.

It’s a beautiful world, when you don’t only think about yourself or the attentions you want to get, take a minute to think about others, especially about those that care about you and love you, think about that special woman who left her own world to join yours and with God is populating it in pain and love, also think about giving her attention and care, as big as your heart can give.

Remember your vows and look at your band without batting an eye and get up even when you are tired to your bones to rock the crying baby…. Not just in cradle but all through, you are the man not just because you have an organ that makes you so, but because you have been given a mandate to obey God, protect and keep your home. Its more responsibility on you because you have been designed to be the gender that overcomes it… your tolerance level is higher, ‘love bearing all things’, has only made it easier for you. Don’t break your heart by thinking you can’t be given that attention, join in…. support and give your best, trust me, the woman will give her all.

Show her you are the man, by doing the kindest and simplest gestures. Speak to her in her primary love language and watch her reply back… I have so many inspiring couples that even up till now, the father and children bond is even quite bigger than their mum’s.

The father has a big role to play and it’s not just sitting around giving commands or moping about his own child getting all the attention.